Dating a kidney patient

[Trinitybell]

HI all

This is a tough one, I have recently decided I would like to start a relationship or do I, I don't really know if I do or if I don't. I am single obviously and when I get admitted to hospital or go to clinics I don't want family support but I would appreciate support from a partner, I also would love kids one day and don't want to be single forever.

My question is would anyone want to date someone on dialysis?
Is it right to expect someone to start a relationship with someone on dialysis?
How do you tell someone that you are a kidney patient when you first meet them, surely most men would run a mile.

I am on APD and now for a personal question Can you have sex while on the machine? I mean just imagine your bloke is all up for a night of passion and you say not tonight love I am on the machine.

I don't know I have mixed emotions at the moment.
I guess it is easier if you are already in a relationship but how to start one or if to start one with a dialysis patient is it fair to do that.

I don't think I even want a man to see me with a tube hanging out my stomach, surely that is off putting, I would probably date as friends and refuse anything intimate till after a transplant if he sticks around long enough, or doesn't dissapear as soon as he finds out I am on dialysis.

Anyway what are your thoughts, hope I havent offended anyone.

Trinitybell

[bigbuzzard]

Hi Trinitybell

The answer to all your questions is yes! Go for it (apart from the offence bit - I can't imagine anyone here being in the least bit offended - in fact a lot of this has been discussed here before - try searching the forum for some of the obvious words).

I appreciate your quandary, and I have no idea how old you are - though I suspect a generation or two younger than I am. And I'm a bloke. Having said all that...

I met my partner about a year before I very suddenly started dialysis - so I didn't have to go through the 'how do i bring this up?' question. I was on Haemo for a couple months then changed to APD for a year and a half or so - and it didn't get in the way of anything. It takes a tolerant lovely person who isn't squeamish about such things - but that's surely who you would want to be with anyway. Also, don't forget that one of the advantages of PD is the flexibility about exactly when and where you do it. Putting it off for a few hours sometimes doesn't do any harm.

Good luck - and all your questions have been here before, so don't be afraid of asking - on the forum, or in a PM.

[laurajadedaniels]

Hello,

The answer is yes, i know what you mean though before i meet mike i thought none would ever want to be in a relationship with me waiting for a lung transplant, but it just shows you it can happen.

good luck, and go for it life is for living! xx

[Laura]

I've had kidney problems since I was 21 and have always been very honest with boyfriends. I think the key is to not be embarrassed about it, it's just one of those unfortunate things that has happened to you.

I went on to dialysis at the age of 29 by which time I had been married for about three years. My husband knew it would happen one day and I always wondered how he put up with me feeling poorly and miserable prior to dialysis. I was on PD doing CAPD and APD and felt very self-conscious about the tube but my husband wasn't remotely phased by it. He would say "It's just a little tube which I can barely see". It has nothing to do with your personality. Just think, would you date a man in your situation? I bet you would. It doesn't change how you see someone.

If you date a decent man it wouldn't worry him, if he does then he's a loser!

[Thumps]

If you date a decent man it wouldn't worry him, if he does then he's a loser!

^^ this!
You'll never lose a good partner because of an illness.

I've known I had kidney problems and the potential to need dialysis/transplant since I was a teenager. Never made a secret of it to any boyfriends or friends, but never made a big deal out of it either. It's just part of who we are, like being red haired or blue-eyed or left handed.

[Laura]

If you date a decent man it wouldn't worry him, if he does then he's a loser!

^^ this!
You'll never lose a good partner because of an illness.

I've known I had kidney problems and the potential to need dialysis/transplant since I was a teenager. Never made a secret of it to any boyfriends or friends, but never made a big deal out of it either. It's just part of who we are, like being red haired or blue-eyed or left handed.

Exactly!

[Angel]

I would absolutely say yes to all your questions but completely understand where you are coming from. I have been on dialysis for a most of my life-from 6 to 33 which I am now and this has been quite a major issue at times. My issues surround many areas including how I see the bad scarring on my stomach, fistula and generally having lots of restrictions to my life. I also have a very remote chance of a transplant and pretty much no chance of children so when I think of all this together I can't help but get very upset at the sort of 'prospect' if you like I would make. Therefore for quite sometime I have shied away from relationships as it all seems too huge for me to sort out let alone someone coming into my life to acknowledge. But I do have to say I have not had any negative backlash from men about it but they were friends and I have no idea if some of those wanted more or not.
I have also had the thoughts about whether it is fair to seek out a relationship so it is all very normal to think like this but I also agree with the others who say the type of man who would understand and not care is actually what anyone would want anyway.
I would say if you have the confidence to proceed then do so as it is your right to be happy and you never know whats around the corner. Also if you are ready don't wait for a transplant as you could be missing out on quite alot.

[geduramah]

I have known about my PKD from being a teenager. When it came to looking for a relationship, I did worry about certain things that my doc had told me like, avoid havingkids until I have had a transplant and all the other stuff.

When I met my fiance, I didnt tell him until it was serious. It was a hard decision to make, you never know how they are going to react however, like others have said, only someone special would be worth sitting it out with. He was totally cool with it, I think we put more of an issue on this than what others do!

If anything this makes us more special and worthy of a little love!

Hope you find your man!

[Trinitybell]

Hi all

Thanks for the support, I am 29 years old been on PD dialysis for about a year now.

I am very new to dating having never been in a relationship before, (I know what your thinking 29 years old and never been in a relationship, but yes it's true, so starting to date and dealing with the issue of how to tell a potential partner seems daunting).

I am currently using online dating sites, Is it something I should be discussing as soon as I make contact with someone or wait till they get to know me a little first, what do you think?

I agree if I met a man on dialysis it wouldn't bother me, I would still date him, but that's because as a kidney patient you think differently about dialysis you understand about it, but most people don't even know what dialysis is or involves.

I am not sure why I am choosing now to start any kind of relationship but I guess having health issues makes you think how important it is to make the most of life.

[gary in bc]

Hi
I was on PD for a few years before before hemo. I found things worked better if you planned times. Sometimes it was uncomfortable with a large belly full of fluid. I don't expect it would be much different than being pregnant. What we did was when I had drained, I would just leave a small amount of fluid so I didn't get dry cramps, we would do whatever, and later I would hook back up, start the machine, and finish with the cycle. I found it better to plan, as sometime when you wanted to be spontanious, you were just to tired. This way, you can plan you day accordingly, have a rest, etc. The best thing is not too spend a lot of time worrying about it but let things happen, and just adjust accordingly.
As for relationships, most long-term successful relationships are not based on sex. When you think of the amount of time together in relationship to the amount of time having sex, it's pretty small. And sex and intimacy doesn't allways mean intercourse.

I'm glad you asked a question like this. I do a lot of peer councilling with pre-dialysis patients in group settings, and it is one of the most common concerns that go unasked until you break the ice. It seems to weigh on people's minds a lot.

Gary

[JMan]

Hi Trinitybell

Welcome to KPG, I'm glad you posted, we need more questions like that here:)

Please feel free to PM me if you've got any questions you don't want to post here:)

As a lot of people have posted, yes is the answer, what doctors, and a lot of support groups don't deal or cover is how to approach people and suchlike.

The past I went through school teen years and up to my early 20s single and thinking why bother as no one would want me. Fat and ill as a kid on dialysis and transplanted, having a tube sticking out on PD, and with scars all over. Who wants to date me?

If the person, male or female is really interested they'll accept it as a part of you. It's best to 'mention it' I feel on the second or third time you meet.
Or online, fairly soon, IF you feel comfortable too.

My first longterm relationship, well some of you have met Faye, possibly the only link we had health wise was Faye's diabetes (REALLY Hope you don't mind me mentioning that hun.) Other than that we were 2 people using an online meeting site. That was something I'd never thought would happen, although it is in the past.

I've sadly found very few kidney specific organisations useful, in this department, bar perhaps KPG. KPA's are useless and finding other support groups that understand kidney problems is hard.

I've come across one, which focuses on relationships and disabilities of all sorts. It's been a real confidence booster. And a friendly lot they are:) Teehee.

One other thing, always remember your YOU, not just your kidney failure.

Im my case I'm a gardener, kite flyer, photographer, writer as well as a sexual being, and then somewhere there's a bit of dialysis. Well I won't deny it's hard to keep the balance at times but that's how it should be:)

They have a lovely article on their website called 'Practical Suggestions.'

Just to give you the index of topics covered.

* This Section
* Your Life
* Waking Up
* Before the Mirror
* Sharing space
* Making Connections
* Lesbian, gay and bisexual
* Finding Mr/Mrs Right
* Getting out
* Dating
* Relating
* Up Close & Personal
* Together
* Using Outsiders
* Hand Alphabet
* Glossary of Terms

http://www.outsiders.org.uk/practical-suggestions

And about...

Outsiders is a community of disabled people who:-

* Work together to campaign for the acceptance of disabled people as sexual partners
* Run a self-help club for people with physical and social disabilities to find love. If you feel isolated, dejected, rejected, or afraid to make that initial move, Outsiders can offer support and opportunities. Our members rarely look back!
* Reach out to offer help and advice to the disabled community and health professionals
* Work with other disability groups to increase understanding and work towards solving personal problems faced by people with disabilities


I don't think there's any right or wrong way of meeting someone.
But sometimes if you carry the extra, like a load of tablets, scars or a PD tube it takes a little more to find out who can accept you, and who's a waste of time.

J


I'm quite amazed at getting the NKF to link to their website:) One mention of sex and the run a mile:)

We may not think of ourselves as disabled, but some of the challenges we meet are just the same as those with greater problems than ours:)

[Angel]

The problem with support groups and the such like is that instigating relationships is never their primary aim. I think most accept it is a by product if you like but many see it as a very low priority and we are not a nation that is good at talking about certain sides of life-this being one of them.
I am glad this has been opened up for discussion as I am sure it is something we all think about from time to time-well the single ones lol and relationships are hard at the best of times. Sometimes I am actually glad I don't have to deal with some of the hassles my friends do as coping with life is sometimes hard enough.
I guess it goes along with the idea that you want normaility in your life and it is just one level of that which also goes along with careers, family and a whole host of other stuff.

[JMan]

The main primary aim for the above organisation Outsiders if for people with disabilities (or even just shyness) to find a partner, and enjoy a relationship. VERY different from most:)

As for actually dating people a few tips:)

Make sure you look and smell nice. Should you happen to have bats breath due to high urea, get some mints!

Meet in a public place, but not somewhere that plays madly loud music so you can't hear a word.

Have a safecall, and work out how your getting there and back:)

If you have to cancel, do so at the latest an hour before. You don't wanna be left standing, and nor does the other person. Likewise it's nice to confirm things shortly before.
If your going to be late, let the person know.

Have fun, and expect to be disappointed sometimes.

(Note I'm more or less quoting these, but they're useful)

J

[geduramah]

I have been told by my bf that bowling is a good activity to do for a 1st date...

You can talk as little or as much as you like, and you can encourage and boost them if thy score a strike..so he says anyway. He says it works a treat and avoids nasty silences!

[JMan]

Just wanted to let everyone know that some of this thread was quoted (no names) at a brief oral presentation I did at the Royal Society of Medicine yesterday:)

http://www.roysocmed.ac.uk/academ/sej101.php