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Was on the Horns of a Dilemma but am now off

Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2004 9:18 am
by oldborris
I told you there would be a solution. There is always a solution.
And I have found it! Or rather, it was found for me. By the
Chairwoman of the Committe which operates the apartment complex. A
stout woman [I mean, stout in spirit], a hardy Middle Englander if
ever there was one who refuses resolutely to call herself a Chair, as
is the modern 'orrible practice, on the perfectly logical grounds
that she has only got two legs and nobody, but nobody, sits on her!]
has put me in contact with a neighbour who lives in France and whose
flat here is currently empty and who has now offered me the use of
the flat until the end of September when her daughter takes up
occupation. And, what's more, she will make no charge. How's that
for neighbourliness? And to one who is a stranger to her! Of course,
I will make a payment. So that will cover the first three weeks of my

My chairwoman has also come up with another flat in the same complex,
one whose owner is is Thailand and whose flat will be empty from the
end of September and into which I can move. This will cost the
proverbial arm-and-a-leg but...what the hell!.... I've still got
another arm and another leg.

While a solution that I have gratefully accepted this second flat
comes with a couple of problems. It is on the third floor of a
liftless block whose steps I can just about surmount with a good deal
of panting but, at least, not with gasping for air. I will need to
check with my doc, in view of a recently discovered blocked heart
valve, that it is ok for me to tackle these steps for 7 weeks. If he
says 'no' then I am back to square 1. But I think it will be o.k.

The second disadvantage is that this flat is as empty as the mind of
a gormless hooligan on a sink estate on a wet Saturday night. They
say, don't they, that moving house is the most stressful event in
one's life. Well, I will be involved in a mini house removal twice
in this period; once out and then back in again. But I'll cope.

But, as they say, God never closes one door but he closes another. When I eventually return to my flat I will be faced with a new problem. A problem far greater than I have ever had to face before; a problem so awful, so fearful, so terrible in its possible consequences that I might not dare to go back to my flat at all.

You see, up to now, dismayed at the thought that our tower block has
thirteen floors, the builders started the ground floor, not as ground
floor zero but as, would you believe it, Ground Floor Minus Zero,
thus ensuring that the tower has only twelve floors. With which we
have all lived most comfortably. Until now.

But now....but now.....Do Your Best Not To S--C--R--E--A--M!!!!!!!

Taking advantage of the lift replacement the Gang of Eight who run
this complex are making the revolutionary proposal that we start
Ground Floor, no, no....they can't be serious....on Ground

Having tasted potential blood and gotton [old American for 'having
got'] the bit between their respective teeth[s] they intend to plough
on regardless, careless of the consequences, and call the first
floor - oh, the agony!, the pain!, the shame! - the First Floor!

And now, floor by floor, the potential for carnage [are you reading this, Stephen King?] rises further and further, higher and higher. Until they come to MY floor. My floor - the 12th floor!

My floor, which used to be a nice, safe, comfortable retreat from the
strife of the world, is now to become a potential disaster zone. For
directly above me will be that which is most feared in all the
world.....a thirteenth floor!

What am I going to do? To where may I look for deliverance? Who will
guard me in times of peril?

I realize that the costume designer who lives on the top floor will be in the most grave danger. But when disaster strikes where will she be?
Most likely in Hollywood designing gear for another blockbuster [she's done Little Shop of Horrors, The Hulk, Thunderbirds and godknowshowmanymore].

And where will I be? Directly under her 13th floor apartment when it collapses and falls in on me.

Help! :roll:

Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2004 12:46 pm
by Hal
Glad you have removed yourself from those nasty horns oldborris.