feeling :(

[Anon]

im feeling really low. i just dont know what to do. all i have done 4 the past few nights is cry and i dont do crying!! (those who know me should know that) i really feel like just bailing out!!!

[Mike]

Hi

I know exactly how you must be feeling right now, I felt like that a couple of weeks back and it made me feel really depressed. I wondered whether I just had a cold or something that my body couldn't cope with and it completely knocked me off my feet for a week.

Are you on dialysis? if not like me I get days or sometimes weeks where I feel like that, it does get better but the ups and downs are particularly difficult to deal with. I know it's hard but I kind of got into a state where I felt so awful and I felt if that is that how I feel now how am I going to be when I actually start dialysis but it did get better and I have felt fairly good for the last couple of weeks.

Are you getting enough sleep as it builds up and the tiredness gets to a point where you feel worse because of it. If you are worried about it call your unit and ask to speak to someone about it, thats what they are there for and there they can really help you with coping with it all.

I really hope that you feel much better soon

best wishes

Mike

[Elaine]

Hiya sadly life throws soo many things at us and sometimes just 2 much at once to feel to cope with Such a rollercoaster of emotions feelings etc which have ups n downs. But thats the time u need confide in u mates family professional teams Drs Nurses etc to help u through this. They are trained to help u cope and try work out how 2 help u. Please speak 2 someone i'm sure that everyone only want 'best' 4 u.

People on this board are soo friendly and in CHAT too or any organisation that may be able to help u. Just sometimes discussing how u feeling may help u were here to help if we can Things alaways seem look worse at end of day or wen u tired etc or wen every1 else celebrating 1 way or another if things arn't goin too well for you. Im sure there are ways of resolving issues just need to seek out appropriate help and guidance good luck u know we are here


best wishes Elaine

[Rachel in NY]

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. And I'm sad that you're sad. I SO know how you are feeling. The feeling that all you want to do is cry, cry, cry, and continue to cry. Stay in bed and cry, lock yourself in your room, and not want to get out or face the day.

However, & I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it DOES get better. All of a sudden, there will be a bright spot. I don't know how/why it works that way, but tx meds play a big role as well.

They mess up the levels of certain chemicals in your brain, and they do crazy things. And that is what sometimes makes your mood one way, and then a different time - another way. So its not your fault persay, even though you might so. Its what I call "A layering of factors". Meds + whatever= Havoc.

A little thing going on in your life may set it off - and a big thing - will really set it off. I find that sometimes I get 'super sensitive' - and every little thing will make me cry, or upset, or depressed. Things that would normally SO not bother me, suddenly do.

But then, I don't know how/why - but all of a sudden things brighten. Suddenly I start smiling, and its over. Like I said, I know the meds play a role - and that's the worst thing about it - the unpredictablility of it all.

What I try to do in these 'low spots', is get my mind off of things. ANY things. Bc ALL "things" set me off so. I read, play on the computer, that kind of stuff. I basically try to stay sane, and not do anything requiring much thought.

And then, out of the blue, I'm okay again. Eventually.

If you feel you are at a low point ALOT, then there ARE medications that can help stabalize those chemical thingies I've mentioned before. And in turn, your moods are more stable and dependable. Its not you messing up your brain, its your meds. So if that's the case, you can counteract that with these medications that are out there. I'm not saying its something you have to do.. but if you feel kinda depressed and lowish alot, then maybe its a thought? Soemthing you can mention to your dr.?

Anyway.. venting on the board is a good way to get some of thsoe bottled up trapped feelings out in the open. Everyone here on the board pretty much understands.. or at least can try to.. and that is helpful too - I hope.

So know that we are here for you.. and feel free to pm or whatever if you want to talk.

(((((((((((((ANON))))))))))))))

~Rachel

[JMan]

Anon.

What to do.. well you've taken one step.. talked to someone.. at least on here.. It DOES help to talk... Maybe it doesn't solve underlying problems but it releives the immediate pressures.. and thats a start.

As for 'not doing crying'.. Neither do I.. But to cry is human, whats a few tears between humanity??? You are allowed to cry when you've been through stuff like this and anyone who says it is a sign of weakness.. *** (Am I aloud to write that? Oh well it will test this boards expletive filter!:))

Well just let them try it a few times.. and see if they don't shed a tear.

Either way I guess I can't really say much more than the good people here.

If you can, at least THINK about talking to someone professionally about this? There's no shame in asking for a little help and if you DO talk to anyone remember that stuff you say is CONFIDENTIAL, they do not tell anyone else.

I never thought I'd do that but earlier this year I needed it. I was seriously considering suicide (something I've done before when on heamo). I asked and saw a renal counsellor. It has helped.

Please know that we are always here if you need to talk, or PM or come and see us in the chat if you use it.

HUGS and peace

[JMan]

im feeling really low. i just dont know what to do. all i have done 4 the past few nights is cry and i dont do crying!! (those who know me should know that) i really feel like just bailing out!!!

OK..

Lets talk about suicide.. Most people have thought about it.. Some have tried it.. Its one of those topics, like sex and death, that peaple NEED to speak about.

Online. Here. Now. Is a good as time as any.

With Haemodialysis.

I've thought about it.. I still do on bad days.. I don't think thats wrong, or particularly unusual.. A lot of people do even without kidney problems..

The first time I really thought about it was.. when i lost my transplants, and went on hemo and go my fistula..

Those needles hurt SO much to me. I had a deep fistula (unusually so) I was about 13.. Every dialysis day was a major stress, a fear, a terror or having someone put those 1 inch bits of steel into my arm. I decided I didn't want to go for heamo if thats what that meant.

The alternative.. well ending it was one.. How to do it? pills? Knife? Hanging?.... all these things went through my mind.. Find me a renal patient whose *never EVER* been there, however fleetingly. I say that person is a liar.

I didn't of course, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this..

So what happened.. it came to a crunch.. I refused to have needles.. And more options were offered. I took one.. self needling.. AND seeing the psychologist.

Both were useful. the psychologist because I could talk about how I felt..
THe self needling because I was IN CONTROL of the needle.. if it hurt.. I could stop.. take it out, try again..

THe first time I needled my hands were shaking.. So much so that I had to wait for them to stop just so's to be sure of getting the needle in my arm, never mind about my fistula. But the feeling of getting a needle in, successfully, is one of great acheivment. I still think I'm nuts to do it, even if I had to today.. I'd look at the needle and think "why are you pushing that inch bit of steel into your arm! you must be mad?"

With Transplantation (and on BAD DAYS)

I have bad days.. I Have SHITE days when I think and feel, I'm scarred, and scared, miserable, single, crap, alone, a failure, with no future..

Why bother? Who'd care anyway? I'm nothing so there's nothing to miss?

these are the BAD Days..

On days like that.. I look at my transplant meds and think... why bother? What if I took the whole box? if I didn't? If I did something else..

OK.. At the moment.. most of the time, I am OK....
but things set me off.. sometimes it can be a hospital appoinntment, or travelling,.. or a comedown after a hight point or some social event.

I had a heart scare earlier this year.. It was diagnosed clear after a LOT of stress and worry.. The point is.. when they told me originally they said I might need a valve replacement. This terrified me.. I thought.. I'd rather die than this.. after all this.. 3 kidney transplants and now this.. no.. enought I want OUT..

SO I said.. I NEED HELP OR I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING.

I saw a counsellor.. I still do.. I know have that strength to say.. HELP.. you have to be strong to do that. There is NO SHAME in asking a doc to see a counsellor, or even seeing one via your GP..

These things are confidential, so no one need know..

At the very least there is the Samaritans.. Extreme but I called them before. Yep I admit it..


Why am I posting this.. Because I have those times when I feel I am just fading away, living life though a fog of semi reality.. Like no one, no one knows how I feel inside.. the real me is getting lost.. ant that on the outside is just a shell, a mask, a facet of a character.

I want you to know you are NOT alone in these feelings,
PM me anytime. or reply here.. That is what the group is for. That is why I am involved with Real Life kidney support as well, not just online. because thats where it matters.

Anon. I don't want to come to your funeral. So please hang in there and try and think about finding somewhere, someway, of letting out, discussing, releaseing how you feel. It may be medication related. Simple stuff like Vit D, and CellCept can play havoc with how you feel and thats without even mentioning Prednisolone.

Hugs, love and Peace

[Anon]

Do you know I have sat here for the past 15 minutes wanting to reply to the post but not being able to, i would get so far and then decide against it.

well here goes im not going 2 delete any thing i write jst going 2 write away.

well that lasted 4 a whole one line i deleted it straight away.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhHH

[Anon2]

Anon, like you, I have began answering this post and deleting it halfways through, about 10 times at least. Here goes, I'll try to post and not delete it.

Its been 3 times where I have really given suicide thought. Alot of thought. All within a short period of time. Down to the nitty gritty details. The how, the when, the why. One of the times I've actually began.. but didnt' have the guts to continue slitting my wrists and my sister found me hysterical, bawling my guts out, moments after I began. At that point - it was in the open. It was obvious what I was trying to do.

Now I've got loads to say on the topic... but don't want to get into too much detail, unless you want to know. But for the most part, honestly, i've put up a wall in front of it. A concrete wall, about a foot thick, with steel beams, and i've hid this stuff behind it. So.. I don't even remember the details. Its behind that wall. And to remember, I'll need to break it down, which I don't want to do. Bc it took a while to build.

But - I do remember this.

I got the usual speech.. "it'll get better"... "look at all the people worse then you"... "its okay to be upset"... blah blah blah. But what really stuck in my mind, was this.

Suicide is SO FINAL. Its so END. DONE. FINITO. FINISHED. FINAL DONE. Think about that for a bit. Think of just NOTHING. true, there is no more suffering, but y'know what? There is NO turning back. Bc once its done, its just that - FINAL. I can't stress that word enough. Think of just one thing that's good in your life. A good food? A bar of chocolate? A slice of Pizza? THe occasional drink? Well imagine NEVER EVER EVER having that again. Bc death, is FINAL. Think of something you like to see in life? A newborn baby? A brilliant sunset or sunrise? A waterfall? A Rainbow? Well, imagine NEVER EVER EVER seeing that again. Bc death, is FINAL. Think of something you like to do? Hang out with a friend? Go clubbing/partying, reading? writing? Chatting? Surfing? Well imagine NEVER EVER EVER having that again. Bc death, is FINAL. Imagine something very lovely - you don't even know what yet - bc it hasn't happened. Maybe its 'winning the lottery', maybe its meetign your favorite celebrity. I don't know. you don't know. But you NEVER WILL KNOW - bc death is FINAL

Final, as in "you can never undo it". THere is no ctrl-z. no undo, no delete.

I'm trying to stress that "Final" thing. Bc it wasn't clear to me either, obviously. Bc like you, I was thinking suicide was the answer to end all the madness I was experiencing in my life. For me, it was better to end it all, then to have to live one more agonizing minute of pain, horror, and terror. Yes, I use those words, bc that's what it was alot of times. One of my dr.'s told my parents I'll never live to be ** anyway. So why spend the end of my life in constant pain in the hospital? There were other things going on too - but i've had my fill. And that's why, suicide was the 'answer'.

Luckily, I was caught in time. And someone knocked sense into my head. Someone really knocked that "final" concept into my head. And that's why I'm here today. I've been told a zillion reasons why suicide is wrong, but nothing stuck in my head as much as this one. WHich is why I'm sharing it, and maybe you'll feel the same.

As much bravery as you need for suicide, it is SO SO cowardly. It is. And its 1000 times braver to admit that you need help. And you are already braver then I was. Bc I didn't admit it to anyone. And you came to the board. So you took the 1st step.

Anon, I wish you the very best. You are stronger then you think, I can tell, bc you came here. Do you have a close friend or relative or sibling you can talk too? Even if you don't want to tell them the issues going on in your life, you should tell them what you told us - what you were thinking of. Bc I'm scared for you.. and if someone else knows what you're thinking of, that's a help in itself.

Next - JMan had some wonderful suggestions. Speaking to those other people he's mentioned. Give it a try. It can't hurt. Bc its still better then Final

(((((((((((((((((ANON))))))))))))))))) - and I hope things get better for you quickly.

-anon2


"Suicide isn't an answer, its a silent plea for help in disguise, which unfortunately isn't heard till its too late". -Anon2

[R30]

Thanks to both JMan and Anon2 for discussing a topic that most of us try to ignore. I'm very glad that you've both had the bravery to come out with what you have.
I, too, have contemplated suicide (in June this year), as my life was full of black and no white. I couldn't see a way out of the blanket that seemed to have placed itself over my world and that was frightening. Not only was I frightened of what I might do to myself, but I was also frightened of what I might do to others if they chose to get on the wrong side of me - I was like Jekyll and Hyde (have written other posts about this on the "Get It Off Your Chest" forum). However, I made the effort to go and see my renal psychologist who discussed how and why I was feeling like this, and we made the joint decision to put me on anti-depressants. For me - and me only, this was the most positive step I have ever taken for myself. Now, two months down the line, things aren't perfect by any means, but life is more bearable.
As Anon2 said, once you've done it there's no going back. I really thought long and hard about that and decided that I couldn't bear to step off this mortal coil leaving those I love in such distress; I couldn't bear to leave my dog behind (whom I love dearly - thanks Benson); I didn't want to contemplate never having good times with my friends again (some of them were the cause of me feeling this bad) - even that wasn't enough.
So I made the decision to get help instead - and it worked.
Take the time to read these posts again, and do please keep in contact. There's nothing quite like talking to those who've also been through it.
Ruth xx

[LadySycamore]

My God...sitting here reading the posts...I can relate a lot.

As some here may know, I did my time on the therapist's chair. Started in March when I was going through a rough patch with an employer who was trying to get my unemployment benefits revoked. I was an emotional, physical mess and getting stressed out at the thought of losing this money that I needed so badly in order to continue to live the life that I had been living with my long term boyfriend. It didn't help that the renal failure had been sending me into a tailspin emotionally either. So, after I won my case with the state, I sought counseling. I went in very raw emotionally and put myself in the doctor's hands.

I told him how I was mad about how renal failure had took away my dreams...plans that I had made for my future. You see, I didn't leave home until late in life, and once I *did* move, I was finally free to start living like an adult, with my b/f, and do all kinds of things that couples do. That lasted from 1999-2001. June 2001, the bottom fell out...my life turned upside down and hasn't been the same. I felt (and still feel) like I only had a short period of time to live life the way *I* wanted to live. Now, renal failure dictates certain aspects of my life: what I eat, what I do (or can't do), even what I wear (since gaining weight from the PD). I don't deny hating it and I probably will always hate it...but somehow, everyday, I press on. I manage, and that's the best I can do. Most days are ok, some are not-so-ok (but never "great" or "horrible"...just inbetween). I am still doing adjustments, and I still do not like having to do so, but I do what I must in order to live. I keep remembering that I have a good, good man that loves me and is sticking with me, come what may. That gives me a good feeling inside, and I try to keep thinking about that when things get dark.

So, I finished up my sessions in July. After 4 months, I felt much better about things...more in control. I think that was the main issue with me: I am a control freak...lol (thanks Mom, b/c she's one too!). I felt so out-of-control of things, but going to therapy helped me to learn to control what I can, and to let go of the things that I can not.

I learned a lot in therapy, and while I can not tell you how to handle your situation, might I strongly advise you to seek counseling. It can ease some of the burdens that you are feeling...we've all been there on a lot of levels. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone that isn't "close" to the situation (like relatives or friends).

I'll leave you with a quote from the good doc himself:

"Until you have walked in my shoes, you do NOT have the right to tell me what route to walk". Dr. George Keller

All the best to you!

[Anon]

I need some help.. I am going mad, im feeling really low agian and i dont know why...... i cried my self 2 sleep last night.
Ive thought of ending it cos i jst cant do it....

[Nikki]

Hi Anon, Firstly, let me reassure you that every single person on this board can relate to how you're feeling right now, we have all felt like that and do alot of the time. You are doing the right thing by posting on this site-we understand-people who haven't been where we are cant possibly begin to understand. Yes, there are people worse off than us but you cant help how you feel, we have an awful lot to cope with phisically and emotionally with our illness and I think because most of us cope increadibly well with it people don't realise how it effects us when we're on our own.
Jman-when I read your post I cried. It was so sad but so true, we can all relate to those feelings I'm sure.
Jman is right-you must ask for help, we do have down periods-I've just had one and am still up and down but you do come out of them and have periods of time where you enjoy life and think wow I'm glad I'm still here.
You will probably find that if you talk to friends or family they will be so upset that they didn't know how bad you were feeling and will do anything to help that they can. If not, do as jman suggested and go to your consultant or gp or nurse-whoever you trust. Thats what they're there for and they will help.
I'm a great believer in fate and what will be will be, I believe that I got ill for a reason and survived it for a reason. My 22yr old cousin got taken away in a freak accident beofre xmas and I'd wished it could've been me instead of her-to save her, I'm the one with the useless body and she, a perfectly healthy girl, was taken instead-it doesn't make sence but it happened for a reason. Take one day at a time, find something you're passionate about and live for that-I do, through my dancing, that kept me going in bad times cause thats what makes me happy.
I often wander where I'd be without the help and support of my parents and whether I'll give in when they're gone and I need dialysis again but when I talk to friends and they realise how scared I am they say they'll look after me and I believe they will.
Sometimes we hide how bad we feel cause we think we should be strong for other people and therefore they think we're fine, sometimes you have to show your fear in order to get the help you deserve.
Please talk to someone, please keep talking to all of us and please don't give up-you never know whats round the corner-could be something good-thats what people keep telling me-and you never know, surely us poorly people deserve some happy times too?!
Look after yourself, I'm not an expert but hope my waffling has helped you to see that we all feel like you some of the time-you're not alone-remember that.
Love
Nikki. xx

[LadySycamore]

I need some help.. I am going mad, im feeling really low agian and i dont know why...... i cried my self 2 sleep last night.
Ive thought of ending it cos i jst cant do it....

Try checking out these sites. IIRC, many are done by those who know/have been exactly where you are at now:

Mental and Emotional Health:
http://dialyze.org/forums/viewforum.php ... f5653d2eba

All the best to you!!

[Doolally]

Hello Anon,

This time of year can be the worst - people expect you to be happy and fun. On this board no one expects anything of you, whatever time of year it is. No one here judges you. You can be yourself.

I remember one Christmas I was really depressed. My parents found it really hard and my mum actually said to me "pull yourself together". They wanted me to be "normal" - whatever that is. I don't blame them, they just didn't know how to cope, just like me! All I could think was everyone was cosy at home enjoying christmas and I was the only unhappy person in the world. I felt so alone. I didn't want to get out of bed. I just cried and cried. I wanted it all to end.

It took me years of on and off depression to manage to tell anyone how bad I was feeling. It was the hardest thing. Do keep posting, however much or little you manage to write. We're here to share in these things together. I've only recently joined this forum and it means to world to me to know I'm not alone, especially in the bad times.

Love and prayers, Ali

[amanda in CA]

I too can relate to how you feel. I remember when I was first told that I had renal failure. I felt as if I was backed in a corner. I couldn't comprehend that this had happened. I cried every night; I felt that my life was over. I tried to think of ways to escape and every time, the only way out that I could see would be the final one of death, there was no other way, my health, and life as I had known it had gone forever. I questioned my identity, I looked at other people around me and felt like an outsider looking in, like a freak and also so old - after all, part of my body had given up on me at the age of 26 and I was no longer complete. I'm not too sure how I stuck with it, different ways of ending it went through my mind and eventually I had it all worked out - but I couldn't do it, it was so final. I think that ego part of me wanted to do it to make a statement but I realised that the reality would be, people thinking 'poor amanda' and then a few weeks down the line, they would get on with their lives and that would be that. Gradually, I started to enjoy life again. I started dialysis and found that it wasn't as bad as my imaginings beforehand had made it. 18 months down the line, I received a transplant. During the 10 years that it worked, I studied for and completed a degree, changed careers, and had a child. I doubt that I would have done more had I been healthy. During those 10 years I enjoyed life and since my transplant my favourite song has always been Louis Armstrong's 'A Wonderful World'. Two years ago, the transplant failed and I was again faced with dialysis. All the old things rose up again to haunt me and I lapsed into depression, culminating in an episode in a psychiatric ward. Gradually with the help of medication and different types of psychotherapy I came through this period and am again, generally, enjoying life. I do sometimes get times when those old thoughts creep in again, and I know that I will always seek help because those times when I feel bad don't last forever and good times comes again. Please go and seek help, there are a lot of people on this site routing for you. Love amanda xxx