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Have u spoken to friends or family how u feeling? Im sure they happy to try help or as sed b4 point u in direction of professional help. It is no way a weakness to ask 4 help admitting u need help is 1/2 way to being helped As people with multipile medical issues etc u wonder where do u start maybe?? Sometimes speaking to a 3rd party soo helpful and could confide in them without worryin about wot will be repeated etc. We have spoken to clinical psychologists who have been soo helpful in sorting out various issues for us.Maybe ask u unit what help available etc?
But above all im sure u know that u have Many friends who only want to help u or just to be there to listen to u.
Please do not do anythin in haste that u may regret
Feel free to email or reply 2 me best wishes(((hugz))) Elaine xx
I found the postings on this topic most interesting but also disturbing and bewildering. I had no idea that there was so much sadness out there and thought that most people, like me, just regarded kidney failure and dialysis and/or transplants, as something that had to be accepted because there was no alternative but that, apart from the complications that arise from time to time for which they might seek assistance from this board, most people coped. Of course I understand that kidney failure for younger people is more traumatic than for older people. I have had what I consider a great and enjoyable life and didn't get renal failure until into my seventies so I didn't have to cope with unfilled dreams and the consequent need for thrice weekly dialysis is not something that bothers me overly. It has, of course, entirely distrupted my social and travelling life ....but, what the hell! I can walk, albeit stiffly, to the dialysis unit and chat to the nurses ['chat to', I said, not 'chat up']. So I have never, or never needed to, remotely consider the thought of packing it all in except in the context of what might happen in the future. I am a great believer in euthanasia and if life became unbearable because of pain or total dependancy I would certainly consider stopping dialysis. Dialysis patients don't have to think in terms of suicide since one of the positive features of dialysis [the major one being that of keeping us alive] is the ability to secure a comparatively swift and easy demise by merely stopping dialysis. And, in these terms, ending dialysis is not suicide - it is merely easing the passage of inevitable death. But since the whole idea of suicide is so totally foreign to my nature I find it absolutely inconceivable that anyone, unless driven by unbearable pain, would want to deprive themselves of all the joys of living.....the sunrises and sunsets, the friendships, the love of family, the scrambled egg on toast, the music of Handel, Mozart and Vivaldi, the plays of Oscar Wilde, O'Casey, Shaw, Chekhov, Ibsen, Shakespeare [haven't heard much of him lately: is he still churning them out?] and a thousand more; the comic operas of Offenbach and Gilbert & O'Sullivan....never, never, to see or hear these again, to deprive oneself of them by a voluntary act - impossible! Nothing that Heaven has so far publicly offered [i.e. millions and billions and trillions of years in non-stop praising] can compare and Hell sounds, from what I've heard and to say the best of it, a bit on the dodgy side. So not much choice there. I'm sure that my belief that life is the best thing on the table concentrates my mind wonderfully on hanging on to it as long as possible. I have no family on which to rely for support, a rapidly diminishing [by death or distance] circle of fiends, sorry, friends and yet find life sweet, happy and enjoyable. Somebody once said [I think it was me] that the closer one gets to death the harder one clings to life. So hang it there. For, as somebody else said, the best is yet to come.
Hi Anon
I, as well as most others on this board can relate. As a matter of fact, I've been in hospital from early Nov. to just before Christmas, and stopping dialysis was on my mind for a while.
But we get through it. Some with profesional help. Others with the help of friends. and some with spiritual councilling.
There are different kinds of depression. One is accually a medical type, common in persons with renal disease. It affects the seritonon level in your brain, and can drive you into a clinical depression. It is easily treated. Talk to your neph about it and he will order the tests.
Even if you choose not to seek councilling, talk to someone. There are a lot of people on this board who can relate, and are more than willing to listen.
I don't know your situation so I can't tell you 'I have been there'. But I have had similar thoughts and feelings to yourself and others who ahve posted here.
Renal disease is a cruel, cruel illness which robs you of an awful lot. I have also found its given me stuff back-but for me I don't know what I would have been without it as I have known no difference. What I do know is that part in parcel of how I feel is the suffering and distress I see in other patients when they are physically and/or mentally not doing so great.
However when I have been one of them people have pulled me up so if you want to email or PM me even if its only to rant about how you feel please do.
I hope you start on the upward slope soon but for now we are all here so keep in touch and know you have people who understand and want to help in any small way they can.
Hi Anon,
Everyone on this board is SO RIGHT! I too have had my "bouts" with depression, sadness and crying...I contemplated suicide once also.
Interestingly, it was after my transplant. Rachel is so on target about those meds! They were playing havoc with my emotions and I felt I could not handle it any longer...I talked with people on a suicide hotline a couple of times, but it didn't seem to help much. Maybe because it was partly medication related, I don't know.
Like JMan, I have been at this "kidney stuff" since childhood (32 years ago) and didn't handle dialysis very well...if you are on dialysis, you can experience negative emotions because of just being on it, but also because dialysis isn't cleaning all of the toxins out of your body and they tend to build up leaving your body and mind in a state of pollution...it is strange how your mind can be affected so much by your body's inability to rid itself of waste or because of medications you have to take, but when you think about it, it all makes sense-everything is tied together.
Until very recently I was battling depression a lot. Back when I had my tx, they didn't tell you about the emotional aspects of the drugs. I always thought it was ME!- that I was ungrateful or something!! So, for 27 years I have been having mood swings and depression. Not even support groups helped me. But, I have found that if I just tell myself that it will not last forever, I can handle it and pretty soon the bad mood goes away. Like Rachel said, if you get your mind off of the depression, somehow it tends not to last as long. If you can find something you like to do, it will help...for me it was always reading-I tended to get lost in someone else's "story". It is SO HARD, I know...sometimes when I am really down I am very quiet and just sit there waiting for it to go away, which it will eventually. It is such an awful feeling though, isn't it? One of my tx nurses said that the fact that it is medication-related doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.
PLEASE-if it does not get better, see someone! Ask your doctors if you can see someone who specializes in emotional aspects of kidney disease or chronic conditions in general. There is no shame in it...I see one regularly and am on an antidepressant. If you think about it, with what we all have been through, is it any wonder that we sometimes get so depressed??? This time of year doesn't help either with the short days and limited sunshine which can contribute to sad moods.
I cry if I am sad or down, but those days have become fewer...I find that sometimes crying does a lot of good, though. I don't know if you believe in God, but my faith in Him and relationship with Him has helped me tremendously. I think it is the main factor which kept me from committing suicide.
There is no reason you should have to "tough it out" on your own. Talking to those who have been through it (or who are going through it) can sometimes be the best way to handle things-and we are always here if you need support. Take care of yourself....
God bless,
Pam
32 yr cadaver transplant recipient, now on peritoneal dialysis with the help of Audrey, my Homechoice machine... as of 4/3/09
Romans 8:28
I too have considered suicide....still here fortunately. Actually, this year I have considered it many many times. This year has been the very hardest year of my life as some of you know. I had a major breakdown on Christmas Day......I lay on my floor balling my eyes out like a little baby. No control of emotions, no control of how low I felt. I had no plans of EVER telling anyone this, but decided to after reading all the posts, also I considered doing it anonymously, but I am here telling you this as me...Kim. The thing that has helped me most actually is the medication for depression I started last year after being in total depression from the Pred. I rarely get those lows anymore, Chrismas was an exception for me as I haven't broke down like that for some time.
I have met so many wonderful people through this board and through the chat, and can honestly say that there is not a soul that wouldn't be very missed if they were gone....I'm having a hard time getting my exact point across, but know this, no matter who you are and what your going through, you are loved and as hard as it is....(hard isn't ever the right word) you must pick yourself up, brush yourself off, look at the brightness tomorrow brings, don't dwell on today and how you feel today, because it's probably crappy. Look at tomorrow, one day at a time and what it holds and what you want to do, where you want to be. I will sign off for now, because I do not want to get preachy, it never helps me to be preached at.....Just know YOU ARE LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kim xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I can't top what people have said.. it all applies.. I won't list you all individually, but there's a HUGE amount of value in this thread.
The best quote I've heard this year is that
"Kidney patients are normal people in a very abnormal situation"
So given that, is it any surprise we feel a bit shit sometimes..???
Feeling LOST is for me, the worst part... When you don't know what to do or where to aim for..
Once you have a goal, or target that is easier.. Finding it is the hard part.
Problems or challenges can be broken down into smaller ones. And I KNOW how difficult that is when you just don't care anymore..
And when you are down that far.. when you've sat down & thought of the ways.. Thats the point you need someone to take care of you and tell you your OK... that these feelings don't matter, and that its OK..
All I can offer is an ear & hugs.. PM me if you want to.
(note to US readers, this is the 'theme' of the British Transplant Games here in the UK) It is traditionally sung on the last night of the transplant games (and cynically, thats about the best bit )
I'm not going to add anything new really ... I don't think i've got any revelations to share, which haven't been said by everyone already
Just on Jmans point on You'll Never Walk Alone. Its one my favourite songs, obviously from Liverpool influence - its sung by Gerry and the Pacemakers from Liverpool.
Its played before every Liverpool football match (and after when we win).... anyway my point is. If I'm feeling down, often I just sing it at the top of my voice. Its great to do at the match too when you can feel the passion of the other 40,000 people singing with you,
Hiya Anon sooo sory u feelin sooo low again. 
As people with multipile medical issues etc u wonder where do u start maybe?? Sometimes speaking to a 3rd party soo helpful and could confide in them without worryin about wot will be repeated etc. We have spoken to clinical psychologists who have been soo helpful in sorting out various issues for us.Maybe ask u unit what help available etc?
