What is it so difficult?

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What is it so difficult?

Postby R30 » Thu Jun 17, 2004 12:57 pm

Having an awful time on CAPD at the moment. Depression is getting worse; I cannot take anti-depressant medication as I had a severe reaction to it this time last year. Am losing friends left, right and centre and am starting to feel that this disease is thoroughly a punishment.
Have just contracted an exit site infection which means that I have to stop dialysis for a week - have been told that feeling ill may well return.
Can't seem to see the wood for the trees at the moment and frankly, I feel like giving up. It's just one thing after another. Please tell me it gets better - I cannot take much more of this.
Yours, very miserably
Ruth
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Tough time Ruth :(

Postby Elaine » Thu Jun 17, 2004 11:09 pm

Sooo sorry to hear u havin a tough time. I know the feeling my daughter has just had bad bout peritonitis last 4wks or brewing probably for a while :( She has been in hospital 6 times in 6mnths this year. Today she had her p/d cath removed and haemo line inserted starts haemo 2moro.
She is 16 and has been on APD 18 mnths nearly she is having her kidneys removed in 4 wks time to get her bak on transplant waiting list. She has been suspended as albumin soo low 10 now :(

Life is a rollercoaster and Im sorry u feeling soo low. What i want to say to u is that there are many people in similar situations as uself and that im sure u will get through all of this. Sadly depression is very common with renal failure everything u have to go through. But im sure there will be light at the end of the tunnel. I have felt soo low at times and have recieved soo much support from many people who have been in similar circumstances and have come through the dark tunnel. :wink:

I have just spent all day at hospital seeing my daughter off for yet another operation, but know that sadly sometimes things can get worse b4 they get better if u know wot i Mean?

Do u have someone u can speak to, a counsellor, family, friends or other people similar problems as uself?? It all helps this site is very informative and supportive aslo NKF, Renal Chat room etc.

best wishes to u and seek help wherever u can that can help u with u worries and concerns etc. I try and take each day as it comes and life is a rollercoaster many downs at moment but hoping to be on slow decline upwards again. :)

best wishes Ruth there are people who u can help you.

Elaine uk :wink:
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Why is it so difficult?

Postby R30 » Fri Jun 18, 2004 6:31 am

Thanks for your support Elaine.
My closest friend has just walked away - got a new chum now I've started dialysis, and I now have no one to talk to. I've spent the last 48 hrs in tears and just feel I cannot cope (it's like splitting up with someone). I don't know where to turn or what to do and I feel like giving up.
My exit site hurts and the antibiotics are making me feel like crap. When will this all end (if I don't end it sooner).
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Postby Mike » Fri Jun 18, 2004 10:14 am

i've sent you a private message

mike :-)
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Ruth ;)

Postby Elaine » Fri Jun 18, 2004 11:02 am

Sadly my daughter had same thing happen to her and is very upsetting but has found many new friends from this n other sites who DO undeestand her limitations Pleaz speak to someone even u GP or someone u feel u can talk to ;) Pleaz dont do anything u may regret any rash decisons Honestly things will become a lot clearer and workthemselves out. Sadly friends sorta dont know how 2 cope with u disease etc same as my daughters friends But she has other new friends now- and i m sure u will too. Or evne sort ity out with u friend can u let u friendf know how much u hurtin?

Sorry ive gott go n see my daughter now shes lookin on positive side but there are days wen shes feels VERY much like u honestly '

PLEAZ PLEAZ talk 2 someone and just think there are people out there who would be very sad to know how u really feeling. Hope this helps u Ruth How old are u? if u dont mind me askin?? My daughter had to repeat her 1st yr gcse and hs missed soo much YET AGAIN :( nOT EASY but have to take each day at a time ;)


best wishes Elaine ;) UK :wink: :roll:
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Postby R30 » Fri Jun 18, 2004 4:50 pm

Sorry to hear your daughter has been through the same thing.
I'm 34 - not sure why that makes a difference - perhaps old enough to know better. I really cannot see light at the end of the dark tunnel at the moment. Things seem to be getting worse by the day.
I don't think I can sort things out with my friend - she doesn't seem to want to accept that I find her behaviour hurtful. Work sent me home today, and I've spent the entire day in tears. This hurts so much I feel like I don't want to go on. It's no use saying friends come and go, at my age this hurts considerably. Friends don't just come and go when you are in your mid thirties. I've invested so much time and effort into this, I'm absolutely devastated.
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Re: What is it so difficult?

Postby mags » Fri Jun 18, 2004 7:01 pm

R30 wrote:Having an awful time on CAPD at the moment. Depression is getting worse; I cannot take anti-depressant medication as I had a severe reaction to it this time last year. Am losing friends left, right and centre and am starting to feel that this disease is thoroughly a punishment.
Have just contracted an exit site infection which means that I have to stop dialysis for a week - have been told that feeling ill may well return.
Can't seem to see the wood for the trees at the moment and frankly, I feel like giving up. It's just one thing after another. Please tell me it gets better - I cannot take much more of this.
Yours, very miserably
Ruth


Hello Ruth,

I think that most of us have been where you are at some stage in our illness and treatment. Those days when it all seems too much bother, when you wish like mad it would all go away, and get angry and resentful, the 'why me?' syndrome. It sounds so glib to say, been there and done that. Or, it gets better, honest.

But although they are platitudes, they are true. I have been there, and I would be less than honest, which isn't my scene, if I said that I never have a bad day when that black cloud begins to descend. I do, but they are few and far between these days, and you know what? When they do come, I just say to heck with housework and everything else, and I spend the day being selfish, doing the things which bring me joy and pleasure. I sit and read or watch rubbishy daytime telly and knit. Or I may have a really long moaning email to a friend who knows what depression is like. But most of all I tell myself that this is just a blip, that it will go away.

I hope this won't sound too harsh or rude, but if you are losing your friends simply because they can't cope with or don't understand how you feel and can't be there for you, then really they are not 'true' friends. And as for thinking you are being punished, no way. It's just that there are some people who sail through life having an easy time of it, they don't know the meaning of illness or hardship, nothing seems to harm them or knock them off kilter at all. Whereas there are others, often the nicest, kindest, most generous-spirited people you can meet, who get knockbacks all the time. Yet, we cope with them and are stronger and better for them, truly.

And before I get off my soap box, I must just tell you that I have a friend who was in just the same position as you, and I can remember how she had one darned thing after another, the exit site infection, then something else, several operations one after the other, lots of problems with CAPD ( and she had no alternative ) and I was asked by my consultant to go and chat to her on one occasion when she was admitted to the unit we attended. She was so ill, sick all the time, couldn't get out of bed, very low mentally too. Convinced she wasn't going to bother with a transplant, she'd had enough of it all. I had just had my transplant, so I went to chat to her, made her laugh, made her feel more positive. Now, several years down the line she has a working kidney, and so grateful that she didn't give up, that she went ahead with the transplant when the chance came along.

So please Ruth, don't let it get you down, and if you want to respond to this, then please do.
Take care and angel blessings, Mags
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for Ruth

Postby Cheryl in CT » Sat Jun 19, 2004 10:23 pm

Dear Ruth -

I really feel for you, Ruth, and I do understand. Please know that there are lots of us out here who DO care how you're doing and will do anything we can to be of help to you. Please hang in there - it DOES get better. Will PM separately.

thinking of you,
Cheryl
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Keep your chin up R

Postby Nikki » Sun Jun 20, 2004 4:15 pm

:( Hi Ruth, just wanted to say we all know how you're feeling, the depression is always there at times , even after a transplant. Friends and partners etc don't always fully understand, they haven't been where we are and there's nothing more painful than people who you thought cared turning their back or not understanding, thats why this site is so great.
Keep your chin up, you sure find out who your real mates are and even though it hurts to loose old ones there are always better new ones round the corner.
Don't give up, keep in touch and take care. Nikki. xx :D
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For Ruth

Postby msdiva » Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:21 pm

Ruth, I just want you to know that if you need someone to talk to then i will be your friend, just email me and we can talk anytime you feel the need, we can be each others strenght.
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on the subject of friends

Postby amanda in CA » Tue Jun 22, 2004 4:13 am

Sounds to me those so-called friends of yours were'nt friends at all - true friends stick by you through thick and thin. It's very easy to mistake acquaintances as friends, my husband reckons that you can count the friends you have in life on one hand, I'm inclined to think that he is right, having had a few 'friends' turn out not to be when the going has gotten tough. How about getting some professional counselling so that you can vent out your feelings? Hang in there, I'm pretty sure things will get better. Amanda
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Postby LadySycamore » Tue Jun 29, 2004 11:11 pm

Hello Ruth.

I read your post and my heart bleeds. Trust me, I am 34 too and I thought my life was over when I found out my kidneys were failing. I didn't have half the problems that you have, but each little thing felt like a BIG thing to deal with. I didn't (and STILL don't) feel like dealing with this, but I have to.

Just a suggestion: you might want to look into seeking a professional. I say this because you are very stressed, and stress is one of the biggest causes of illness. Therefore, your stress makes the situation worse, and then you stress that it's worse...its like a vicious cycle.

Here is an article from Dr. Dale Atkins regarding how people should approach someone with a chronic illness. Perhaps sharing this with your friends will help them to understand a bit better:

How do I comfort my sick loved one?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5004137/

Also, if you need to vent (and I mean REALLY vent!) you are more than welcome to try out the "RANT!" section of my board:

http://dialyze.org/forums/viewforum.php ... 9ca5033473

Sometimes, it's good to just blow off some steam and to release the pressure. In fact, I'm about to blow off some steam as soon as I finish this post. :wink:

All the best to you!
Dialyze.org:
http://dialyze.org/forums/index.php
Chatroom, Support, Advocacy and more!

Dialyze.org MemberGroup on MSN:
http://groups.msn.com/Dialyze-orgMember ... sages.msnw
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