Gratitude after donation of kidney

[Grey]

I have just had a life saving kidney transplant. this was facilitated by my dear wife who offered but could not donate direct to me so joined the paired exchange system with me. That meant that she gave a kidney into the system and I received one in exchange. I was very lucky because I was the lucky recipient of a living altruistic donor which meant I had a very good match not to mention a kidney that worked straight way because it was only out of a body for a few hours.

I wrote to the lady concerned and expressed my absolute gratitude for her donation and out of this world kindness in giving a kidney as an altruistic donor. I will request to visit and meet this very special person as soon as I am strong enough to travel to wherever she may be.

So my gratitude and thanks go to my dear wife in the first instance then off course my altruistic donor wherever she may be.

Now the sad bit, after someone has received a strong living donor kidney from my wife, and according to reports from the living donor co-ordinator the guy who received my wife's kidney is doing well, he has not bothered (to date) to even send a message of appreciation to my wife. I know she did not make the donation "for him" but to facilitate me getting a kidney, but come on, surely he must be thankful. Why he has not taken the trouble to even just thank her I will never know, there must be some very sad people out there who assume that a kidney transplant is their right and there is no need to thank anyone for the lifesaving gift.

If anyone reads this and has had a transplant please be sure to thank the donor with heartfelt gratitude or if it comes from a deceased person be sure to convey your appreciation to the family left behind who would have had to allow the donation to proceed and must have suffered by the loss of their dear one.

[SKM23435]

Grey,

Your post was interesting and made me think.

I was fortunate enough to receive a kidney from a deceased donor 5 1/2 weeks ago. I have thought about the donor and his family on an almost daily basis every day since and said a mental thank you. I have thought of writing but had decided on balance to wait a few months. I don't know if this is the right thing to do and I guess there isn't a correct answer to that question. By waiting I hope to be free of the twice weekly clinics, back at work and hopefully leading a normal life. At the moment I physically feel a lot better but I'm still a "renal patient" (I admit I always will be but there are degrees). Life is not yet "normal". I feel a letter in a few months time will be so much more relevant to my future life.

My dad had a transplant 25 years ago. He ended up writing 2 letters. The first was just after his transplant and he was in pain, uncomfortable and not at all happy. I understand from my mum he wrote it because he felt it was expected. 6 months later he wrote a heart felt thank you when he was feeling well.

I should be interested in other people's views.
I should be particularly interested if anyone has feed back from a deceased donors family. If it would help with their grieving I would put down my iPad and write now this minute.
I am, like you, incredibly grateful. These donors and their families are heros to me. I feel one very lucky lady.

Sue

[pns2007]

Dear Grey, congratulations on your transplant and a heart held thank you to your wife and the altruistic donor for their kind donations. Hero's!

I too had an altruistic transplant from the national register at the end on November last year and I did send my donor a letter and a token gift of appreciation about a month later and am truly thankful to him. I don't know who he is as he wished to remain anonymous.

However, we are all different! Although the transplant co-ordinator has said the recipient is doing well, I doubt if he/she would have direct contact to the medical records and would have only been sent a message to say that the transplant went well and that all was well. I am now nearly 7 months post transplant and have had ups and downs, infections and hi's and low's. I'm doing really well now, but it's been a long 7 months!!

It might take some people time to come to terms with there own emotions, the reactions to their meds and any post transplant traumas etc, not underestimating the change in their life (depending on how long they were on dialysis) and the adjustments needed thereafter.

Your transplant was not that to far in the distant past so hang in their my friend. Some recipients are advised to wait a few months before writing and it is still early days.

Best wishes

[Grey]

Interesting comments, clearly both of you are very appreciative for your gifts, and have expressed different points of view which I understand. Perhaps I have had such an easy ride so far (touch wood) that a thank you gesture was just expected on my part. We will wait and see if some day down the line she gets a note or message, that will make me very happy as I see the pain and discomfort she has gone through by donating. It has been an eye opener living with a donor who's op was on the morning of my transplant that afternoon. I was only in hospital for 6 days and 4 weeks later are already on weekly visits to the aftercare clinic. I must be one tough fella......

By the way guys keep an eye on the tone of my posts from here on in, I say that because I received a kidney from a lady, so hope you don't find me softening too much and becoming a touch feminine. I have warned my kids to look out for stockings and perhaps "red lippy" just in case and given them permission to give me a big clap to bring me back to my senses.

[rheaybou]

Grey,

I was lucky enough to get a kidney from a family member and was able to thank him the day after our operations as he shuffled into my room to check out how I was doing....It was for a long time the single greatest moment of my life and I am welling up typing this as he allowed me to relegate him to No.2 when my daughter was born last September and I could be a full time dad.

Now over 2 1/2 years later we dont really talk about what he did, we both know inside what a difference it made and maybe being butch men (forget about the welling up part for a moment) it's not something to get into deep conversations about?

Anyway, back to your original thread. Great to hear that you were out within 6 days and I hope your dear wife is also recovering just as quickly along with the two others involved. This letter that you have written, have you had any reply yet as my understanding is that the donor or donor family will only get the letter IF they wish to from the transplant coordinator and even then you will never be told. I can understand that you wanted to thank the person who made this all possible but, now this links back to my original paragraphs.....my donor always said he did it because he wanted to donate, not for thanks or reward.

I am sure the recipient is grateful for the gift he was given and will live a full life because of your wonderful wife and altruistic donor.

[sporti]

Hi Grey

I think I'm a couple of weeks ahead of you from having a transplant on May 12. it's possible that the person who received your wife's kidney is coming to terms with all that has happened to him/her. Every time I see my donor I cry. Every time I go to clinic and he gets mentioned I cry. I think some people can handle it and others can't for a while. That's just my take on it. Of course I have thanked him many times and I bought him a kidney donor t shirt which he wears! But he doesn't like me thanking him. I think everyone is different. I'm sure well I certainly hope she will hear something soon. She's one very very brave lady as is your donor.

Glad you are doing so well.

[sanela]

Grey,
Many congratulation to you on your transplant and many thanks to your wife for being so selfless.

I had my transplant (cadaveric) almost 6 years ago from an unknown, generous person and, assuming, their family agreed to it too. It took me a year before I could write that letter of thanks even though I knew I would write it from day one. To this day I don’t know if my donor was male, female, young or old, or how they died. Nor do I know if the family got my letter, if they wanted one, if they know I wrote it.

I asked my surgeon once, soon after the transplant, if he could tell me anything about the donor. His words were: “All you need to know is that you have a very good kidney” – and he is right. My curiosity remains but, I will probably never know where this wonderful kidney came from. I can live with that


I hope you have many years in excellent health with your new kidney and your wife too.

Sanela

[sporti]

Oh gosh Sanela how moving

[Grey]

Now some weeks post transplant I have received an ever so moving and emotional letter from my altruistic donor in response to my initial letter. What a lady giving a kidney simply to do some good in life. There are very few people in my immediate circle excluding my dear wife and two kids who both would have donated but both of whom are precluded for health reasons. It takes a really special person to do this type of thing, goes way beyond just kind words without any actions. I now hope one day soon to meet her along with my wife who is an integral part of the whole process. These are truly special people. You will go a very long way to find more like these two.

[sporti]

Hi Grey

That's just wonderful. Very emotional to read x

[MatthewC]

Every time I see my donor I cry. Every time I go to clinic and he gets mentioned I cry.

That works both ways! As a donor, I often feel like crying about my brother - it doesn't take much to set me off. The most spectacular was at the wedding of one of his sons last year, and when he mentioned me in his speech I just dissolved. I suppose it was quite funny: "Thanks to XX for doing the flowers and thanks to Matthew who donated a kidney to my dad". Damn, that's set me off again!

[sporti]

MatthewC utmost respect to you. What a lovely speech that must have been! I'm still the same its no good can't control it! So we have to live with the crying! Lol

[bigbuzzard]

I've just seen this thread after writing something about 'gratitude' on another, so I'll add it here, in case of any use. It's not a response to anything above.

"Gratitude is a tricky thing. I know as a recipient of two living donor transplants, both donors well known to me, that it's easy to feel overwhelmed in the face of feeling as if you are expected to be seen to be infinitely grateful. Of course I am, but how do I show that to the rest of the world? There's a huge mix of feelings involved including obligation and guilt, that somebody else put themselves on the line for me. That 'guilt' might be even stronger if something had happened that caused the donor to suffer long-term problems. In my case, the first transplant deteriorated much more quickly than expected and I had to go back on to dialysis – there's guilt associated with that too: 'was there something I could have done differently?'. I do believe this is one aspect of living donation that could be better handled, so that all parties are more psychologically prepared for all possible outcomes. I know that most people who know that they do, or might one day need a transplant are incredibly grateful to everyone who makes that more possible, either by joining the Organ Donor Register or by being a living donor. Especially as a living donor, it's not just the direct recipient who has cause to feel grateful, but also everybody else who needs a transplant, because that is one more kidney being added to the transplant pool – the more there are, the better for everyone. So all donors and families of donors, living or otherwise, should know that there is a huge amount of gratitude directed their way, even though they may not see it."

[Tom Ruppel]

I was a donor Oct. 16, 2015, to an unknown recipient (same day, same hospital.) The evaluation process took more than a year, as I was rejected first by one transplant center for a medical condition and went to another for a second opinion. So I was a motivated donor. I have not met, nor heard from, the recipient. I don't know what I expected, really, but it wasn't this. Sorry.

[rheaybou]

Grey,

Out of curiosity, did your donor ever reply to you after you wrote to them.