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Postby maddie » Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:24 pm


This is my first time on the board and finding it very interesting.

I have been on dialysis four months now and hate it, Iv been in hospital about eight times, and have had five lines put in because of infections.

I got so depressed and was wondering if this is usual when you first start dialysis? I keep getting very morbid thoughts like me dyeing or my husband dyeing has anyone else had the some thoughts? I am getting better now and hope to go on the donor list as soon as I am well enough but I have antibodies through blood transfutions, does anyone know if this well make it hard for me to receive a kindney?

Hope to hear from you.

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Location: UK surrey

Hello Maddie ;)

Postby Elaine » Sun Jun 13, 2004 6:21 pm

Hello Maddie - so sorry to hear u havin such a tough time on dialysis :cry: life can be soo tough at @ times :?

My daughter is on APD peritoneal dialyis overnite past 17mnths. She is just recovering from her first bad bout of peritonitis. Yes infections can make u feel soo lll, and it is understandable for people to have such thoughts i'm sure whizzin round their minds. :roll: Sounds though like u had an EXCEPTIONAL difficuilt time and am sorry 2 hear that, hope things sort themselves out for u as soon as possible. :)

My daughter age 16 is having her kidneys removed in 3 wks time as she has had such excessive protein loss and has waited 18mnths to see if things will improve. Sadly she is bak to square 1 so is hoping her health will improve to get her bak on transplant waiting list as she has been suspended same day she was 'axctivated' onto waiting list. Many factors can effect matchin for a donor transplant etc but something that Drs have had to consider many times before. My daughter only has 4 out of 6 antigens for some strange reason - so suppose every1 different problems etc. Lets hope Drs can overcome difficuilties for u to be activated for organ trasnplant.

good luck and best wishes Elaine UK :wink:
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Postby kel. » Tue Jun 15, 2004 8:01 am

Ive been on dialysis for a year and a half and I also had problems at the
beginning with neck lines. I had three that had to be taken out due to infection. I now have a fistula which is so much better i have had no problems since. I does get better might not seem like it at the minute. But it will. :lol:

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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 11:36 am

kidney issues & depression

Postby Cheryl in CT » Tue Jun 15, 2004 2:14 pm

Dear Maddie-

First & foremost, I doubt there's a renal patient out here who HASN'T suffered from depression of one sort or another. There's a CHEMICAL reason, too - in many cases of renal disease, your internal chemical balance is so far out of the norm that it would be a wonder if you DIDN'T have problems with it.

I'm 19 months post-transplant myself, and when I think about some of the things I was feeling way-back-when, I can hardly recognize the fact that it really was me going thru all of it. Dialysis? You must be KIDDING. I fought it tooth & nail - and almost died as a result of being so obstinate.
I eventually "gave in" & had a PD catheter... Hate it? You'd better believe it! Depressed about it? Hmmm - no comment!

When I went in for my transplant, I was SURE I wan't going to make it. I didn't sleep for DAYS ahead of time. I set out my will, my life insurance policies, and all... I wrote letters to every single person who'd ever been "significant" in my life, and I left them to be mailed, "just in case". I simply could NOT overcome the thought that things would not be okay....

From the vantage point of 19 months, I sometimes wonder what I was thinking, but I don't dwell on it. There's just too much else to think about. My husband (my donor) didn't die, and neither did I - and the last year & a half have offered a crazy jumble of great, good & not-so-good things - in other words, a real LIFE. It's better than it ever was in many ways, especially now that I see how much I really did have to lose.

On top of everything else, Maddie, if you're not taking aniti-depressants right now, I might suggest that you consider it. Please know that there is no stigma attached. My own transplant center REQUIRES patients to at least start on them. Knowing that you're going thru so much, that your chemical balance is compromised, and that things really WILL get better eventually.... those are all great things - but if you find that you can't cope right now, don't be embarrassed & don't be afraid to ask for help. It may make the difference that you need to get thru what you're facing.

I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope that you'll keep posting here, as there are many of us who know EXACTLY what you're going thru right now.

We WILL be thinking of you!
Cheryl in CT
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Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 10:17 pm
Location: Connecticut, USA

Not so depressed

Postby maddie » Wed Jun 16, 2004 11:11 am

Thank you so much for your reples, they have helped me so much and knowing it is normal to go through depresstion makes me feel better.

I had some good news from my doctor he said my blood test all look very good and I am looking very well, he also said that the antibodies in my blood will not affect me having a less chance of receiving a kidney so I am happy about that.

One of my worries was running out of places to put the line, sounds silly I know but after having five in already I was getting worried, but the Doctor said that if any of the lines that have been used previously are no good they had clear there self after a time, have also read that they can put a wire in the vains etc to clear them. Has anyone else ever worried about this?

I will keep reading all your comments and wish you all well.

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Joined: Sun Jun 13, 2004 5:14 pm
Location: UK surrey


Postby Nikki » Wed Jun 16, 2004 1:48 pm

Hi Maddie, its Nikki again!
I was very depressed too and I'm here if you want to talk or e-mail me, there's nothing better than talking to people who've been where you are, I wish this board had been around when I first got ill.
I had antibodies too but the capd I had washed them away and then my dad gave me a kidney.
keep your chin up, it does get better, just keep thinking it cant get any worse!!
Get in touch if you wanna talk. xx
Posts: 90
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2004 4:14 pm
Location: Midlands, uk

still depressed...

Postby Bruno » Thu Jun 17, 2004 5:40 pm

hi there,
i was really depressed and in denial but then i got a transplant and after a year i was back on dialysis about depression OY! i first felt guilty "for wasting a prefectly good kidney" then i was ashamed to go back to the same unit ( thank goodness the techs all liked me) then i was hating my life all over again after having a taste of the good life. last but not least having perfect match donors tell you to kiss off because they think that you did something wrong and you will " waste their kidney too" so yes, i lived on depression row for groups helped me a great deal to cope with my many feelings. this board is excellent way to vent in case you haven't notice that i've been doing it a lot here. good luck and talk or write to someone it really helps. :lol:
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Joined: Fri May 21, 2004 6:02 pm
Location: north east, u.s.a.

For Bruno

Postby msdiva » Mon Jun 21, 2004 5:41 pm

Bruno thats awlful how those people treated you. I glad you kept your chin up and got throught it. Dont ever let no one take your esteem. Those people cant walk a mile in our shoes so they dont understand whats really going on.
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2004 2:07 pm
Location: New Jersey

Re: Depression

Postby LadySycamore » Tue Jun 29, 2004 10:56 pm

msdiva wrote:Bruno thats awlful how those people treated you. I glad you kept your chin up and got throught it. Dont ever let no one take your esteem. Those people cant walk a mile in our shoes so they dont understand whats really going on.

Excellent statement msdiva.

"Until you have walked a mile in my shoes, you can NOT tell me what route I have to take." Dr. George Keller

Dr. Keller is my therapist. He's been very instrumental in getting back into focus. Last year, I was a mental and emotional mess. I started seeing a therapist in March, and it was the best thing that I could have done. Sometimes, it helps to get a perspective from someone that isn't "thisclose" to the situation.

As Cheryl said, some depression can be attributed to chemical imbalance. This happens to ALL patients on dialysis, because the electrolytes get out of wack with kidney failure plus the degree of uremia increases (since dialysis only accounts for 10-15% of normal function, all the toxins are not able to get flushed out and therefore builds up in the body and can affect moods, etc.). Also, whatever meds you are on *can* contribute to depression and other side effects.

However, it would seem that the biggest cause is the change of life one has to deal with. It can be quite hard to took me the last two years to *really* adjust. Things about it still sucks (like being out of work, body aches that cripple me, etc.), but I try to maintain everyday.

Here is a link to a resource that has some links on how to deal with the emotional side of renal failure:

Mental and Emotional Health: ... 9ca5033473

I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck. 8) :wink:
Chatroom, Support, Advocacy and more! MemberGroup on MSN: ... sages.msnw
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Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 9:48 pm
Location: Philadelphia, PA USA

Postby Pam » Wed Jun 30, 2004 11:07 pm

Hi everyone...
I have had a transplant for 27 yrs and still struggle with depression. :cry: I feel guilty when I read all of your posts that speak of dialysis-I am no longer on it and haven't been for decades. The doctor who did my txplant told me, "What do you have to be depressed about?" years ago when I first started experiencing mood swings and depression. I almost began to cry-I wanted to tell him, "Oh, maybe it's because this disease took away my childhood and adolescence and I feel more at home in a hospital than I do at a high school. Maybe it's because you docs don't know everything yet about how chronic illness affects people or how drugs affect people when they must be taken for a lifetime. Maybe it's because you haven't (like LadySycamore says) been this close to all the pain and heartache this disease can cause."
I have done a lot of talking and asking questions and have found that a lot of people have depression and/or mood swings when on steroids. I am also on other meds that can cause these is hard to tell yourself that it's only the drug's side effects. I think your general personality has something to do with it too because not everyone has this problem-in fact, most txplant recipients do not.
Please do not think I am not thankful for this gift of a kidney...I AM! I think of all the things that I have been fortunate enough to do because of it and all the wonderful things that I have seen and done! And to think it was because someone else died that I received it...kind of like eternal life because I believe that Jesus died for my sins. I know not everyone on the board will agree or even like my saying that, but it is my belief and what I live by.
I have just been having a rough time lately (physically and mentally) and I needed to vent, I guess. Like a lot of you, I can't really talk to my family or friends-they don't understand-not like you guys do. I do see someone for this depression-I am not handling it alone, but no one can really say they know what you are going through except someone who has gone through it-thanks so much for letting me say what I am feeling. It's kind of hard for me to do that at times. God bless all of you!
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